Taurus: April 20 to May 20

Today, you will have a great luck in speaking French. However, eating vegan is the recommended diet for this week. Avoid going into public restrooms; there will be an unlikely occurrence, that’ll change your output on life.

Aries: March 21 to April 19

Say hello to every person you see not wearing tube socks. Ignore every living thing not wearing tube socks. If these guidelines are broken, then you will accidentally call a teacher “Mom” and everyone will laugh.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

At some point today, you will think that someone texted you and that your phone vibrated.

It didn’t. Nobody texted you. Don’t touch your phone. Don’t bother.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

Have you ever heard of Red Lobster? That place is amazing, Their biscuits are so amazing. Anyway, if you go there this week you have to go more than one time but NOT 3 times. They can’t make that many biscuits.

Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22

Every vending machine and drinking fountain you will use this week will either be filled with sour milk or a wonder beyond your wildest dreams. Take your chances.

Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You should only watch Seinfeld this week. No other sitcoms will give the life advice like Jerry Seinfeld. Other enjoyment of sitcoms will give you 1,000 years of bad luck and have moderately bad dandruff for years to come

Libra: Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

If your hair gets in your mouth this week, you will accidentally swallow it regardless of how many times this has happened or how much hair is in your mouth. Take care.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Between 10-11p.m. this week you will have a great deal of luck folding your laundry. Please, use these powers with great responsibility.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will feel painfully lonely today, by all humans. Yes, even more than usual. Yes, I didn’t think that was possibly either. But, dogs will give you a great deal of attention; take this privilege to your advantage.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.

Aquarius: Jan 20 to Feb. 18

Markers and pens are a dangerous tool this week. Be careful with the brands you use. Crayola and Bic are not to be trusted.

Pisces: Feb. 19 to March 20

For this week only, Vaseline is edible

* vaseline is not edible